I popped into the Caffe Nero yesterday morning a bit ahead of my usual time and bumped into Kevin Spacey who was half way through purchasing a breakfast bowl of fruit.

He's a big lad our Kevin. Massive. He was wearing a flat cap on the wrong way round. It was as if Norman Wisdom had got the lead in King Kong.

He kind of shrieked and whooped when he recognised me- "Heh Rikky my boy- long time no see"

"Oh, oh - here he is,” I said rather unenthusiastically "where are the rest of the usual suspects?"

He crumpled up in hysterics.

"Stop it Rik! Stop it - you're killing me"

When he regained his composure he ordered a mango juice to go "...and better chuck me a banana too. Make that two. As in T-W-O the number. Two bananas. And a pear"

"Yeah Rikko how's tricks?" he continued chucking a couple of grapes in his vast mouth "Keep meaning to catch up with your blog. Still off the smokes I take it?"

I faked humility "Just because I sent you an email Kevvo doesn't mean its compulsory to read it. The Clinton thing went well I hear. Has Misbegotten opened yet? Sorry I'm a bit out of touch with you too- I've had a few projects of my own on the go."

"You're kidding me...great news Rik, great news. You mean we're going be seeing you pull the old tights on again? I'll never forget that thing you did at that Church place in Kensington. Noel Coward right? Or was it Brecht? Anyway you were the old
guy. Excellent doddering"

"Sorry to disappoint, and no offence Kev, but acting's a mug's
game and I'm not going back. There are more important things than lighting up the world
with my talent. Much more importantly I'm completely off the
snout."

"Great part for you - Snout"

"No no Kevin. Tobacco. I'm still off the
fags...er...cigarettes"

"Good good but tell me Rikksy- Are you 'compensating'? Know what I
mean Rik my boy? are you com-pen-sat-ing? Because I am since I
quit. With me its fruit. I'm compensating with fruit"

"Really?"

"Yeah that's what the the Great Mr K ordered and thats what I'm
sticking to. And boy do I feel great. Fruit man, fruit's the way
to go." - he shoved a watermelon into my hands - "And the thing
about fruit is...” he took one ginormous stride to the door..."it
ain't made of chocolate" . He glanced meaningfully at my stomach
turned on his heels and in a flash he and his fruit were gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kevin Spacey is currently appearing at the Old Vic in Eugene
O'Neill’s ‘Moon for the Misbegotten.’


Erik Fuller is currently not smoking in and around London SE1.

Kevin Spacey Misbegotten Fruit