Oh what a wonderful world. Not. But then again…

Another visit to Dr SH this evening to discuss my blood test. “Nothing urgent” he wrote in the letter.

And in a way he’s right.

He did some jiggling on his PC and came up with some data that looked like an instruction on a Linux forum.

Amongst other things he thought my problem might be liver-related. He told me that I had to go for another test and once again I mustn’t drink before that test. In a month’s time. Also I must go for another test a month after that test. And no drink before that one either. That, as far as my maths tells me, is two months.

He had a very funny attitude this lad I can tell you. “Take your hands out of your pocket and stop mumbling” I felt like saying.

There was a bit too much snorting in derision and eyebrow-raising for my liking.

“Now you’re already trying to limit you’re units aren’t you? What is it? Yes 28 units (snort). I always say 21.”

“Well, son, if you google ‘units per week blokes alcohol get away with’ and look at Page 7 around the middle you’ll find an expert who says 28 units per week is acceptable. For a bloke. That is what I am.”

Eyebrow, eyebrow.

And then later he was discussing the tests and the restrictions that come with them.

“At least you’re not fat or I’ll have to …” (he started mumbling something.)

I thought it was illegal to use the word fat outside of cookery programmes. Nevertheless I leapt on this to mention my unrelated concern about my expanding waistline that had happened “SINCE… I… GAVE… UP… SMOKING”.

He fired an elastic band at the anatomy chart on the back of the door and, stifling a yawn, mumbled something like “that’s probably just your fatty liver”.

When I had processed what he had just said I felt slightly relieved. I’m not really putting on weight. I’ve just got a massive foie gras shoved up my jumper.

I’ve tried to develop a positive attitude over the years and giving up booze for two months will bring benefits. I can’t list them yet but I’m sure they exist. But I do feel that my medical treatment isn't taking account of the whole picture.

If Dr SH had said “I want you to stop drinking for two months and by no means are you to go into work during that time” I would be feeling a lot happier.